"...all the children in my family are atheists."

Holden is severely depressed. He has a very rough night of wandering, drinking, pseudo-conversation, and rejecting a prostitute. He's been kicked out of school, beat up, he's cold and sad. He puts his pajamas on, crawls into bed, and the first thing that comes to his mind is prayer. But he says he's an atheist. This is something that I've seen over and over again. I've seen people who do not believe in God come to a point where there is nothing left to turn to but prayer. I think Holden is looking for comfort somewhere, anywhere, and just can't find it. He's even looking in a place that he doesn't believe exists. He's talking to his dead brother, he wants nothing more than to talk to his little sister, he's been searching in bar after bar, club after club, he even looks to a prostitute and multiple cab drivers for some decent conversation. He's looking for connection. He's looking for sincerity. And when he can't find it, he, an atheist, even contemplates prayer. That's desperation at its worst. This kid is filled with sadness and regret. Regrets from a girl he once loved, regrets of not hanging out with his kid brother one time. Every person who didn't realize how sad they were filled him with despair. Every insincere interaction dug him deeper. The thought of insincere onlookers who didn't care about him staring at his mangled body lying on the sidewalk after a fall from a window kept him from jumping. Everyone's a "phony", everyone has an angle, but I don't believe Holden is a cynic. Because he recognizes truth and sincerity and gives it recognition when due... always! Be just can't find it when he needs it most. He even believed enough in the mercy and genuine love of Jesus that he believed that Jesus couldn't send Judas to hell. I feel for Holden, I really do, because all he wants is something real... that's all! A girl who's real, a friend who's real, a conversation worth something with someone who's paying attention and who can reciprocate equally. I think we all look for that. I didn't get this book the first time I read it back in high-school. I don't think I could have, because you're not supposed to hate Holden, the way I did, you're supposed to have compassion for him. He's sad! He's 16 and alone,and depressed and has no where to turn... there isn't much sadder than that.

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"Liberate yourself from my viselike grip."

Maybe I don't know because I was never a teenage boy or maybe its just because we don't hear all the thoughts behind people's eyes, but Holden is coming off, in the first few chapters at least, as kind of a weird kid. But then I start to wonder... how would any of us be perceived if our every random little thought was written down between our facial expressions and the words we choose to say? Maybe JD Salinger just did a brilliant job of creating real inner dialogue. Maybe he understands the insecurities and unfounded hatreds, the snap-judgements and random memories that creep into the average everyday head. Or maybe Holden Caulfield is an odd duck.... I haven't decided yet. I guess I'll give him another 21 chapters before I pass judgement on him.

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21 books, 1 year...

I'm going to attempt to read the books on the BBC top 21 list this year. Some of them are quite meaty and/or contain multiple volumes, so this should be interesting. I am taking a cue from Julie and Julia and deciding a blog is the only way to be held responsible for the completion of this goal. The list is below:
1. The Lord of the Rings, JRR Tolkien 2. Pride and Prejudice, Jane Austen 3. His Dark Materials, Philip Pullman
4. The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, Douglas Adams
5. Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire, JK Rowling
6. To Kill a Mockingbird, Harper Lee 7. Winnie the Pooh, AA Milne
8. Nineteen Eighty-Four, George Orwell
9. The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe, CS Lewis
10. Jane Eyre, Charlotte Brontë
11. Catch-22, Joseph Heller
12. Wuthering Heights, Emily Brontë
13. Birdsong, Sebastian Faulks
14. Rebecca, Daphne du Maurier 15. The Catcher in the Rye, JD Salinger
16. The Wind in the Willows, Kenneth Grahame
17. Great Expectations, Charles Dickens
18. Little Women, Louisa May Alcott 19. Captain Corelli's Mandolin, Louis de Bernieres
20. War and Peace, Leo Tolstoy
21. Gone with the Wind, Margaret Mitchell

I am not going to take them in order. My bookshelf already contains several of these books, so I think I will alternate between books I own and used books I will purchase.
My husband Chris has been bugging me for years that I need to read for pleasure more often. I am an avid self-help book reader and feel like I am wasting time whenever I read for recreation. I'm hoping this challenge will change that and that I will emerge on the other side better-read with a hunger for more.
So, without any further ado, I embark on book #1: Catcher in the Rye.
Read along with me if you like, post comments.. I love discussions so the more people joining in, the better.

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