"...all the children in my family are atheists."

Holden is severely depressed. He has a very rough night of wandering, drinking, pseudo-conversation, and rejecting a prostitute. He's been kicked out of school, beat up, he's cold and sad. He puts his pajamas on, crawls into bed, and the first thing that comes to his mind is prayer. But he says he's an atheist. This is something that I've seen over and over again. I've seen people who do not believe in God come to a point where there is nothing left to turn to but prayer. I think Holden is looking for comfort somewhere, anywhere, and just can't find it. He's even looking in a place that he doesn't believe exists. He's talking to his dead brother, he wants nothing more than to talk to his little sister, he's been searching in bar after bar, club after club, he even looks to a prostitute and multiple cab drivers for some decent conversation. He's looking for connection. He's looking for sincerity. And when he can't find it, he, an atheist, even contemplates prayer. That's desperation at its worst. This kid is filled with sadness and regret. Regrets from a girl he once loved, regrets of not hanging out with his kid brother one time. Every person who didn't realize how sad they were filled him with despair. Every insincere interaction dug him deeper. The thought of insincere onlookers who didn't care about him staring at his mangled body lying on the sidewalk after a fall from a window kept him from jumping. Everyone's a "phony", everyone has an angle, but I don't believe Holden is a cynic. Because he recognizes truth and sincerity and gives it recognition when due... always! Be just can't find it when he needs it most. He even believed enough in the mercy and genuine love of Jesus that he believed that Jesus couldn't send Judas to hell. I feel for Holden, I really do, because all he wants is something real... that's all! A girl who's real, a friend who's real, a conversation worth something with someone who's paying attention and who can reciprocate equally. I think we all look for that. I didn't get this book the first time I read it back in high-school. I don't think I could have, because you're not supposed to hate Holden, the way I did, you're supposed to have compassion for him. He's sad! He's 16 and alone,and depressed and has no where to turn... there isn't much sadder than that.

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